Doing nothing at work DOESN’T help my cause

OK, here I go – I am somewhat concerned about the upcoming date on Friday. Not because it’s yet another Friday date and I got superstitious about those since last one. Ha-ha. So funny!

Here’s why – it’s the first date where I have kind of hinted that I could stay overnight. Had zero reaction so far. I am sure that the exclamation of: “Yay! The kids are sleeping over at the X’s place this weekend” – or something along these lines is transparent enough to be interpreted as a hint. So now I am nervous. Will I have to ask to stay over? That’s silly! But at the same time I don’t want to establish a visiting girlfriend pattern either. Especially considering that I am driving myself back and forth.

The invitation went: “I’ll take you out for dinner this Friday”. No mentioning of whether anything follows. Oh well, I’ll have to wait and see. He may also make plans more specific closer to Friday.

It would also help a lot if I had a clearer recollection of what happened last Friday. I remember him saying few times that I wasn’t ready to drive yet– what I am not sure of, is whether it was his response to me announcing my upcoming departure or just a general hint at “You should be going, but not just yet” – knowing him and well me, it was most likely the former. I also remember how he took me for the sleep on his futon. At two am I pushed him off (his recollection, I have no memories of such thing!), he asked me to move somewhat – and I took off instead. He never insisted on me leaving, that’s for sure.

My paranoid self is whispering that I actually woke up in the middle of the silly futon and was perplexed when he asked me to move – like in: there is enough space next to me! – but it might easily have been the result of the push off. The paranoid part is that I think he may have used it as an excuse to wake me up hoping I would leave.

So having nothing to do at work (yeah! Let’s blame work!), I’ve been trying to figure out where all this anxiety is coming from. Or was. Fine, is!

First thing that comes to my mind – my inexperience in dating! You’ll laugh, but in my close-to-mid-thirties I don’t have that much experience in the thing. And the one I have is about decade old. Also, I’ve never done dating while living on my own before! When I started dating my first X, I was still living with my parents. From what I remember, I started staying over on the weekends shortly after we’ve started dating. No more accurate recollection due to bad memory.

With my second X I lived at my parents’ place again, but they were at their cottage at the time, so it was easier – I must have suggested him staying over – as it was my place (he was living with his parents at the time).

Second thing that comes to mind – I am not sure where we stand in the relationship. I mean we agreed we were exclusive, not just fooling around anymore, that it wasn’t a rebound for him and that he wanted to make it work and so did I. All fine and good. Still, not really clear to me what that all means.

So the next thought is – I am not sure how I want it to develop. I know I want it to do so, that’s probably the only thing I am certain of. Good to know, eh? Like in – I am a recently separated single parent who went dating at least partially to get a distraction and boost her self-esteem. Got carried away, got ditched, then G. appeared and here we are.

Another thought – this one is a biggie – I fear that he doesn’t mean what he says! Like in all he wants is to have fun and then move on, not make it a long-lasting relationship. There! Finally! My trust issue pinpointed and dragged out into the light! But you can’t have your cake and eat it too! Unless I trust him, there is no future! But the more I trust him, the more I fear that my trust will be misplaced again! Gonna go do some reading on trust issues and how to fight them!

PS The joke’s on me if he does just that this Friday – a dinner – then kisses me goodnight and never suggests going to his place at all! 😀

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