As part of my paranoia treatment I did some more self-digging. Yeah, another boring self-analyisis. But it’s my blog and it’s a self-help tool i.e. a cheap (free) version of counselling.
So I’ve read through all of my posts on G. today. Yeah, it kinda contradicts my whole idea of not spending too much time thinking about dating. But hear me out!
I noticed two trends here – one – G. tends to text less immediately after dates, picking up speed as the date goes further into the past. The reason’s simple – saturation! Duh! So whenever I was freaking out after a date on how he wasn’t texting as much as usual, I was wasting my time and nerve cells! Case closed!
Second trend – he was somewhat evasive and or weird every time he had to deal with his X. Again, quite understandable – reluctance to mention her to me yet another time. I bet my paycheck that it was out of fear that I may eventually freak out by how much of her there was still in his life until very recently. So, duh again, he doesn’t want to scare me off, not hide something from me!
Now that my common sense is back with me (who knows for how long!) I also diagnosed reasons for my paranoia. It stems from insecurity. Wherever I caught that shit, it’s rooted deeply within me – hence the extra sensitivity to things that others would either not have noticed at all or dismissed on the spot with conclusions like the ones I listed above. It reminded me of how my kiddo sometimes feels for me in the midst of the night – just to make sure I am still around. I guess my extra sensitivity in part has the same root – to make sure that he still has feelings for me.
And now that G., quite unexpectedly for me, made the transfer from “friends” to “boyfriends” shelf in my head – that caused an explosion of the crap. Solution? Well, partially apply the medicine from the post before. To another part – reread this post any time I feel like freaking out again. I guess I should start printing some of my “help yourself” posts and carry them around in a folder for times when I need them and have no Internet access! 😀
Also, I am again reaching out for the steering wheel – like in planning our next date – what if he doesn’t want me to stay overnight? What if he kicks me out first thing Saturday morning… all those scenarios where I will be disappointed. What if he doesn’t? What if I feel like leaving the next morning? What will this whole whatifing achieve in the end?!!! Nufin! So quit the crap I say!