That’s my name now!
We called sometime before seven, I only said I felt hugely embarrassed, he said it was all fine. Also exchanged some funny and/or cute moments from last night – made me smile and even laugh. He also said we were on for tomorrow and that he’d text me tomorrow when he came up with the plan.
I told my girlfriend – except for the pressure of the second intimate closeness date (LOL) that was a residue of the whole S. story – this whole crazy explosion of today was most likely caused by my guilt feeling. For all the perfectionism and competitiveness and the “you can do it”-ness that I was raised on I paid with the huge guilt complex. Whenever I did something and didn’t apply all my strength, wherever I decided to be lazy and not do something – the guilt would gnaw me, the whisper in my head went “I am disappointed, you could do better than that!”. And I hated it and I hated myself, cause it was right, and at the same time cause it was also a part of me.
Now it’s still there, of course it is, but I also have the adult in there too who usually prevents the child from feeling that negativity towards myself and who reminds the child that she is doing quite well no matter what she thinks. But when that adult transforms into the whisper itself, that’s when it turns ugly, and today was the case – where the adult was totally disappointed in its charge, when it was shaking its head and went: “How could you be this stupid!” – that’s when my guilt monster is out of the closet.