Woot-woot! I actually celebrated it last night with port and a nice movie. I somehow slumped into a tunnel state where all I really cared about, that was able to generate a positive emotional response in me, was the dating stuff! Well, at least a strong enough emotional response. Basically, an obsession, just like I called it!
What helped me to snap out of it? I believe it was a combination of self-therapy in this blog, comments I was getting from my girlfriends (thank you ladies, you’re the best!) and my vacation. I clearly remember the feeling that lingered for the first two or three days where I was both excited and thrilled at what I was seeing around me and sad and longing to go back to my dating. Then the excitement took over.
I hope I’ll never get into this kind of state in the future, but at least now I know how to treat it! It was better than just the depression of two years ago, but it wasn’t nice either.
G actually changed the whole dinner plan when I texted him that I bought some more of the chianti that I brought from my vacation – cause obviously one cannot have butter chicken with chianti! OMG, I feel so redneck! LOL! Actually, I feel great. Cause of port maybe, but also because of my man changing his menu to match something I bought!
I also got called a dick by my Dutch buddy! And I had hard time not laughing out loud at that! I told him there were too many people from his town at the new place and how that was creepy. He said, there were a lot of people from the place who were both smart and good looking. I replied that I yet had to meet one. That’s when he called me a dick. He actually just said “Dick”. So I replied that I wouldn’t exactly call him that, but if he insisted…
Then I told G. about it and he had a good laugh. And I felt good that I made him laugh.
Here is a loaded question! What do I want from a relationship? Exactly like that, not from the relationship I am currently in, but in general. I’ve already said once that I am trying to turn a relationship into my happy place – and that’s a shitload of pressure to apply to anything, especially to an affair on an early development stage. So clearly, that should end. And I guess it did – I do long to get together more often than once a week, but that’s not for the reason of associating it with a happy place.
Continue reading “What do I want?”
Or I hope so!
Anxiety is still coiled as a snake at the bottom of my stomach, but it’s all locked up now!
What triggered that? The silliest thing I could imagine – we had a good night call at around eight pm, which is half an hour later than normal, G. sounded all sleepy. Then I went on to do my stuff – shower, watching a TV show, and decided to get a quick glance at the newsfeed on FB before hitting the sack. And I see that he’s not only online but also discussing the game that was still at that moment with somebody on his page. So instead of freaking out which would be my normal paranoid reaction I smiled and sent him a message on BBM basically stating matter-of-factly that he’s watching the game. He said he slept for an hour, got up and started watching and that he is not going in to work tomorrow.
Continue reading “Ha! I am cured!”
So I thought some more, and I am telling you, if I mention that picture – whatever my explanation is for learning about it, – he’ll read it as stalking. And I am already paranoid and nuts in his books. Do I want to add more proof to that conclusion? Not unless I want to ruin any chance we may have to stay together and try to make this work. I want to make it work, I truly do. So if I need to fight myself to give it a chance, I can totally do that!
Therefore my plan is to not mention the picture at all, to tell him about my suspicions that she may still want to get back together with him – like in “I was thinking of how she’s been taking her time to get her stuff, and here is what I came up with as an explanation” – not to open his eyes, I am pretty sure he knows that, but to show that now I know it too. And well, to see his reaction.
To not let myself change my mind again, I told him on the call tonight that I thought of how he said some time back that I could trust him and now I decided I will. He said OK, I added something like my trust issues were resolved and switched subject.
That being said, I will keep a close eye on her account going forward. Another good sign I guess is that the picture she posted as her background on the same day – where she is raising glasses with two more females – he didn’t like or comment on.
So I decided as much as I hate waiting to do exactly that – wait until Saturday and ask him about this picture situation. Because it’s not a message or call issue to discuss. It’s too frigging serious!
And then I ran it by few friends – they say taking picture of her at her request is cool, liking it and commenting sweetly on it – not so much, i.e. not a freakout material exactly, but something that requires explanation.
The gameplan is to have a conversation on how I feel about it – I am not trying to demand something or blame him or whatever – I just don’t feel comfortable about it, it looks like unfinished geschtalt to me too – it may not be for him, it totally reeks that way for her (with all other things on top) – makes me feel awkward, really, like I am witnessing some unfinished business that shouldn’t be there. And it hurt. It still does really. I wonder if he ever wanted to hurt me, hopefully not.
I may also add that if he’s only trying to be nice with her, it may make it worse – she needs to move on, and his nice comments may and most likely will be interpreted as a ray of hope for reunion.
First of all, the cat’s been gone for over a week when she posted the picture, just saying.
Secondly, what if the story he told me is true (except for some minor timing discrepancies) and he only left out the fact that she is trying to get back with him. I mean, she cheats, then that thing doesn’t work out or whatever, he tells her to go, she tries to get back since. The part that bugs me in this case is that he doesn’t seem to discourage her that badly in it (what’s with the pictures and all). Now if I wanted to explain that, I’d say it may be because he still doesn’t believe I can be interested full way and for good. Not completely at least. So keeping her around as his safety net makes sense in that case.
My paranoid side first asks me how exactly close is he keeping her around. And then it also asks what if I am just a way for him to avenge her cheating and then mercifully allow her to return? I know, sounds totally paranoid, but still…