For a time yesterday I thought I already got better – it was surprising, but I would take it. When I was at a book store I was deciding between some breakup survival manual and a dating manual. I picked the latter. I know, I am nowhere ready for it – but my train of thought was that I can pretty much deal with my stress myself, but if I screwed up a good thing, seems like I might need help with dating. I am not saying I am going to be coming back to the dating scene any time soon, but vacation time requires some reading.
Anyway, yesterday was a nice day, a good and calm sunny vacation kick-off. Today is so far quite different. It’s raining, it’s gloomy and it was the day when I planned I would go back to my place and invite S. over for the first time. I planned a relaxed date with a movie on my huge TV, romantic dinner and so on… Instead I am stuck with two tots at a townhouse in the middle of nowhere under the rain. Quite a downgrade, no matter how much I adore and love the said tots. Whenever I see cars like S’s (and he had one of the most popular ones, screw him!), I get this tightening in my chest. Same with seeing references to British stuff around.
I realise that I’ll never know how much of the breakup was caused by my behaviour as opposed to his not being ready for a THING. But being myself, I guess I’ll be blaming myself more and more as time passes. I am not the kind of person who tries to blame somebody for their problems. That what my X was like. Still is.