To try and do something to kill time and calm down at the same time, I’ve written a real paper letter to S.:
I’m not sure what tonight’s meeting will bring, best case scenario this letter will stay in my bag and I will get yet another proof of my talent. That is blowing things out of proportion.
But in case my fear is not completely ungrounded this time, I want to write down things I may not be able to communicate tonight.
I’ll start exactly there – my inability to express myself. I may come across as a real chatterbox. But here is a catch: I am not that talkative by nature, it’s a cover-up for my nervousness.
Another aspect of the same issue – I may appear distant and not caring. This has to do with my dysfunctionality when I develop affection for somebody. I become tongue-tied, I fear that if I start expressing it, my enthusiasm will appear excessive. And I never know where or how to start. So I try to reflect whatever I receive instead.
Speaking of enthusiasm. I am always overly excited whenever I start a new thing. Everyone has a neophyte’s eagerness, for sure, but I totally overkill it – I am bursting with energy, I am passionate and excited most of time. I devote almost all of my energy and time to this new whatever – a hobby, parenthood, a relationship. I realise that this enthusiasm may feel suffocating. However, it dissolves pretty quickly and I quit acting like a maniac 🙂
I am also not high maintenance or that strong-willed. All these are masks I wear to not get hurt, to not let others get under my armor.
All that being said, I think we may be good for each other. We have many things in common, similar interests. I’ve never told you (see the expression of emotions above), but I had the best sex in my life.
I hope we can work out whatever has brought the today’s meeting on.
Also, you’ve been through a lot lately – are you sure now is good time to make any serious decisions?
I hope you’ll give it some more thought.