FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

Seems like S. is about to break up with me. Didn’t I tell ya my intuition was the thing – see the previous post then. He texted me:

– I was wondering if we can meet someplace for coffee some evening this week to talk?

– Sure, I have a child free evening tomorrow if that works for you? Or we could meet tonight if the jet lag isn’t too bad for you.

– I’m pretty much over the jet lag I think. But I may do some more work tonight then sleep early. To\morrow works ok, want to say the XXX place over by cinema by you? I can head that way after work.

– Sure, what time?

– I finish work at 5:30 so it can be anytime around 6 or later if you prefer.

– 6 pm it is then. πŸ™‚ I’ll be the girl in a pretty dress! πŸ™‚

– Ok meet you there at 6.

– I’ll be wearing what ever I’m still wearing from work. Probably plaid.

Lol, I’ll be coming directly from work too, no super fancy stuff for a coffee shop either. πŸ˜‰

So three beers and cigarillo, texting with a girlfriend, phone chat with another girlfriend and extended talk to my mum later I am to say: I’ll try to fix whatever got broken. It bugs me A LOT that something went this wrong. For many reasons – one of the scariest being – it’s the first man I cared for in a non-selfish way. I’ve been selfish in my relationships before, for sure. This time I started going hey, why don’t I try this – he may like it/enjoy it. Never had the thought before, I tried to be whatever a man expected me to be, no doubt, but I never wondered about things I may do for him that he’d like.

Also, like I said in a post before, I just got out of the craziness stage. And we clicked. I am fucking sure we did!!! If he thinks I am high maintenance, that’s just a mask. If he thinks I am a bossy A-type personality, that is a mask too! If he thinks I am shallow, no sir, I am trying to not appear complicated or clingy or needy, that is! If he thinks I am too cold and distant, that’s not true either – I am just dysfunctional whenever I develop a real affection. Β What I am is a romantic, caring, silly and nice girl who believes in crazy things like love and devotion and who wants to find a person to spend her life with. Who for a moment or two believed that S. might be the right person.

I could take it slowly – as slowly as a crawl backwards. I could do many things – but will I ever get a chance? Well, at least he made a joke and I still can hope that this is a “Where are we heading with this thing” conversation and not “We’re through” one. I still have about eighteen hours of hope in stock!

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