What if he doesn’t get in touch with me tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow? How long do I wait? What do I do after? I mean, he still has the camera I loaned him for his trip, but say he mails it to me… Then what? Do I just pretend nothing ever happened and move on? That doesn’t sit well with me, has a feel of incompleteness. I’m not sure what I fear more – this scenario or a sudden but proper closing… I do realize that it’s only been two days and I’m totally overthinking it, but my what ifs keep me in check, they let me operate in a normal mode…
I’ve also started analyzing what exactly I fear so badly. No matter how much I like the guy, like my girlfriend noted, I’ve only known him for a month. Not nearly enough time to develop a real deep affection. Well, not unless you’re some cheap romance book heroine. Which I am far from being. Then what? I guess it’s the fear of being rejected. The one that triggered this whole issue to begin with, an old aching scar I had no idea was there before I got into a similar situation. It’s also the fear of what comes after getting a new scar on top of the old one – a fresh and bleeding one. I’ll be even more anxious to try something new. Crazier with this fear. It’s a downward spiral that only gets worse with every turn. I’ve always believed I had thick skin that I wore proudly like armor, I guess it’s worn now – since so many things do get under it, without me knowing either. That is the scary part!
This analysis has actually calmed me down somewhat – cause once I know what bugs me, I can face it. That’s great! So is the realization I am not some crazy teenager who is madly in love after just few weeks. Good! Back to being mad at the Dutch buddy then! 🙂
Also, I try my best to keep my spirits and hopes up – I let myself listen to the Beatles (not cause they’re British, cause I love them), I let myself be hopeful – now you may laugh at this one, but to some very limited extent I believe that sending mental messages might help your cause. Not sure how or how much, but a girl can always try and talk to the air, after all, it’s free!