The evil FB

My girlfriend once told me that IPhone had this function where you could tell if the person you were texting with had yet read the message. She complained how excruciating it was – to know that your text has been read, but no answer followed.

I experienced the feeling just now – obviously the full (as opposed to mobile) version of FB has that function too – so S. read my message three and a half hours after I sent it – and didn’t reply. I promised I wouldn’t freak out about it anymore, or will try do do my best not to, and that he may just not feel like messaging, which is quite understandable under the circumstances, but my first reaction was a pang of disappointment, I must admit.

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Dunno what to do

So the funeral was today. Should I send him a message to again express my condolences and ask him how he’s holding? Or should I just leave him be, let him spend his time with his family and not interfere in this very private matter? My sense tells me the latter, but what if that will make me look uncaring and unsympathetic? Argh, all those what do I do things are nerve-racking to me! I am an action person, but need to stay in the passenger seat. My X has made sure I get enough shit to deal with to distract me from temporary (or so I hope) absence of S. in my life. I would prefer in this case to be sitting around missing the guy like crazy, but oh well.

Maybe it’s the annoyance from work talking

But it’s been about eight hours since S. landed in London. How hard is it really to hook up your laptop to the local free WiFi (it should be free, shouldn’t it?) and send a freaking one-liner to me? Yeah, there were no plane crashes in the news, so I would figure out he was fine on my own. But is it just me or when someone you care about asks you to do something for them and you say you will, you just do it? Otherwise you reject on the spot. Continue reading “Maybe it’s the annoyance from work talking”

And he didn’t text

But instead of showing signs of hysteria or whatever I went for a run and then doubled my regular distance too! I usually dedicate my runs to something – nothing grand, just “get the stress from the day out of my system run”, or “my happy run”, or “I don’t give a flying fuck about my boss’s crazy shit run” (well, that one is one of the versions of the first one). This time it was “safe flight to Mr S. run”. Well that and “shake that shitty whining out of my system run”. I’m glad I did it, I feel good and calm for now – obviously, all it takes for me to get comfortable in a passenger seat are some 5.3 miles. Good to know! Might try it before my flight to Italy too – what if it helps with other crazy stuff in my head like fear of flying?

Slapping myself on the hands

As S.’s departure crawls closer, I get fussy with DO NOT FREAKING EVEN THINK OF TEXTING HIM! Wished him safe flight last night, before that he promised to let me know when he gets there at my request (I am afraid of flying and that also applies to others). If he doesn’t text me, so be it – I am in the passenger seat from now on.

And S. needs a chance to realize he misses me. If no such realization occurs, well, no text in the world will help me in that case.

Also saw his ex’s picture – I am now relieved – my looks cannot be his problem, really. Which removes one item from a lengthy list of possibilities, but in my case that item is one of the top ones.

Some more musings on what makes me nervous

It’s my freaking bad memory. I wanted to complain that I am not hearing compliments anymore, but here we go – strain my memory a bit – and they come up, on my dress, on my looks in general – all that is still present. I guess the nervousness of “Are we OK? Are we still OK? Maybe we aren’t OK!” eats up too many resources in my brain or otherwise covers my receptors with a film that won’t let the good things through.

Continue reading “Some more musings on what makes me nervous”

A lot of me recently – a final post for tonight, I promise

I’ve compared S.’s older texts with his recent ones – to see if the tone or whatever have indeed changed – and, surprise, surprise, they haven’t! (Well, except for lack of flirting). It’s all in my head! Could somebody out there just reach out and cut it off – for all good it does me!

We texted some more in the evening – now I know he ain’t back until Sunday (no dates until who knows when for me, but I guess it’s a good thing – the break – for both of us. Not sure about him, but I totally need one to calm down and slow down and learn how to distract myself, i.e. fill my life with something but my dating issues). He also finally showed some reaction to my flirty remarks, it’s not much, but I’ll take it.

Main mantra for myself – KEEP IT LIGHT AND SIMPLE!!! Boys (no matter how old) don’t like complications and problems. They shy away from them. Unlike myself who seems to be attracted to them to a very unhealthy degree, no self-preservation at all! Now that I’ve said a totally stupid thing – that I need to learn to watch my back from men, I can go to sleep.

Some self-analysis

I think that one of the biggest issues in the whole story is that the thing with S. (won’t call it relationship for now on purpose, to not blow it out of proportion, it’s already there) has become my safe harbour. That I consider it a source of an almost absolute calmness and happiness and try to energize myself with it – to be able to fight problems at home, kids issues, EX ISSUES (that’s right, capitalized!)… That’s why I snap and become so crazy every time something is remotely wrong with it. It is not supposed to create trouble, it’s supposed to help me in resolving it elsewhere.

This is quite a strain on anything, let alone a new, beginning romance. It’s like I put a huge weight on the whole thing and now am jumping around in surprise when I feel it may be sinking. I need to take that weight and deal with it on my own. Or else no matter how good or promising the thing we are in may be, it’ll eventually sink. And I will be the only one to blame!!! Darn it!