Resurfacing relationships – Part one – the Bi Guy

Since this blog ceased to be the CrazyAboutAndrewOnly thing, I might as well post other stuff here I cannot blog about in my other blog.

This one is about resurfacing relationships. You may know this kind – they’re like a boomerang – always coming back. My Big Story was (and still is I guess) with my first love. We went to school together, when he was nine he confessed he liked me like in a lot. At the time I wasn’t into silly love stuff as I called it.

Continue reading “Resurfacing relationships – Part one – the Bi Guy”

NOT Andrew related post or Christmasy for that matter

I just need a freaking vent – now that Andrew is gone from my view for two weeks, I cannot have it this way anymore. I’m trying computer games – seems to help – Dragon Age Inquisition is amazing – the story-line is great, the characters are very interesting and Cullen dude I have a “romance” with is adorable, but realistically those are only attempts at escape.

My real life ain’t that funny these days – and the reason is my infantile of a husband. A friend of mine who only knew me virtually until this summer after three hours of observing my husband said that I had three kids, not two – that’s how bad it is.

A recent exchange:

– You do whatever you want on your vacation, I have to be finishing the basement.

– Nope, if you don’t want to do it, it’s totally fine – let’s hire someone.

– You’re missing the point, that’s always like that!

Another one – he is explosive – like bad sort of explosions too – once he kicked a baby toy table across the room that nearly missed one of our babies. He never apologized. Recently he bent a photo book I made for the first birthday of our kids in half – never told me about it afterwards. When I accidentally found it yesterday, I had a fit – I was crying very bitterly – it’s not about the book itself, it’s about the work, time and emotions I’ve spent to make it (you cannot reorder it, it’s gone). He was expecting me to apologize (never acknowledging it was his doing) – since I scared the crap out of him – he thought something happened to the kids. That is the first occasion of him expressing any concern about the kids. Usually it’s complaints of how I always put them first.

What holds me back from just calling the whole thing off? Well, he’ll be entitled to take the kids for half of the time under whatever custody it is called. And I don’t want this. It’s not beneath him to take out whatever he feels about me quitting on him on the kids. And that scares the shit out of me. And then there is monetary issue. And besides he ain’t that bad bad – he is kind and he loves me a lot. Still, those aren’t reasons good enough I guess.

I’m a mess!

I’m falling apart into thousand pieces and they won’t fit back together whenever I try to get them to. Something is always not quite right.

I’ve been seeing Andrew now and then over the last two days, but I cannot tell that there is any interest showing on his part. I can tell the difference – I now know what older adults’ flirting looks like – I’ve felt it on myself from some other guys at work. He isn’t showing any such signs. Sigh. I keep telling myself to not give up, that all people are different and that after all, he might not see my interest at all – since I am quite a flirt when I am not interested in the person and a horrible one when it comes to someone I have feelings for.

Also, his position is such that he must be closely watched by many – and he may not want to do anything compromising for himself or for me to that matter.

But those all are excuses, wishful thinking, the fear is in the simple sentence of “he’s just not that into you” if at all which I doubt.

I guess I am a quitter, but I won’t be able to drag this crash forward for too long all by myself. Give me something to work with Andrew, I promise, I’ll make the best out of it!!!

Sweet dreams

I dreamt about Andrew last night. Nothing naughty or inappropriate (my stupid puritan mind!) – rather something that left a warm emotional feeling of closeness behind. There was a lot of action involved; I just forgot all of it the moment my alarm went off.

He isn’t in today so a rather slutty outfit went wasted. As usual.