I was such an idiot over the few months where I was still hopeful about JM! I am so mad at my past self!
We had another messaging round last night – triggered by my change of userpic and signature in the messenger we use – I said I drove standard again after eight years. Almost instantaneously he asked me if I bought a new car or if it was my bf’s.
All I did in response was send him a link to the car I drove. A small talk followed, then I quit the conversation.
Later last night he started yet another round of “flirting”, when I didn’t react the way I used to – with lots of excitement and enthusiasm – but just went with yeah, blah – he went he missed me, he was often remembering the night we spent together and all that jazz.
I knew those were all his fantasies by now – he’s not ready for any real life actions – spoken from months of experience – so I shut him down with “I thought the distance was an insurmountable obstacle” – and when he admitted it was a problem, I just agreed and went to bed.
Staying in the realm of reality and seeing through words to know what the situation is really like helps a ton and is very empowering – I stay in control of myself and my emotions. I may write another post on how this skill helped me stay in control over a bigger bump I recently had in my current relationship.
PS I am not interested in JM anymore. He IS now no more than a guinea pig, an interesting specimen of a guy who is deep frozen in romance area. Now that I have a normal relationship under my belt, it’s so clear and obvious!
PPS I have no idea how I missed the part before, but the guy seems to be so certain that should he just lure, I’ll rush to his side and make myself available for him – whoa! Such a catch!
Ended up being one of the best in awhile.
Started off with a dinner at an awesome Italian place, continued with a shopping trip to a nearby city with lingerie shopping at VS and driving around in a convertible. I haven’t driven a standard in eight years, but I did remarkably well. We went on this roofed wooden bridge, he told me to stop right in the middle of it. “There’s a reason they call it Kissing bridge…”.
At some point he also went “your mom must have liked me because she saw that I’m in love with her daughter” 😊
The main trick to keep things on track is to be in the moment, to enjoy the present.
All is good. Never been better, lol.
I haven’t heard from the guy for over a day. Texting has been scarce over the previous two days too compared to what went on before.
I’m trying to keep my cool for now. It gets harder though. WTF?!
Maybe what burns bright extinguishes fast. Oh well.
I didn’t even realised there was one until last night! All this time since I have no idea when I was wearing a protective guard over my heart I guess is the best word.
I believe that it was a trust issue, I thought of myself as trusting, but in fact I confused two things, emotional and trusting.
I neither trusted guys, nor myself with them. So part of my brain was always vigilant. Watching everything, analysing, trying to provide advice and guidance. (Not that I would listen to it in the end).
Good things, all of these, but not when it comes to sex! It’s way, and I mean WAAAAY better with a total brain shut-off. For the record, I’ve been loving sex for the last two years.
A very intense and powerful relaxation follows. (Nope, it’s not me discovering orgasm either, get these a lot 😏). My ever present background noise of worrying, observing my surroundings and so on was gone. Sooooo quiet!!!
No idea why, but I think I peak in my paranoia the day after the date. I guess it takes me that day to switch between the date mode and the real life one. I am taking this one off when it comes to analysing things.
Is the feel of two realities – my personal one and the one where I am in a relationship – colliding. Where the latter is trying to dominate the former, crash it, consume it. Dicksands is a great term for it I guess. I feel like I am being sucked into this guy’s orbit, I crave to abandon my planetary status to become a satellite.
So I am applying all my willpower to prevent this from happening. I am forcing myself into my regular activities and stuff, not allowing for daydreaming and getting distracted by all this. Can’t let a part of my life grow out of proportion again – keeping the balance is the only way to go!