When you squelch your anxiety

Life doesn’t begin at the end of your comfort zone, it begins when you manage to reign in your anxiety. When you don’t have all those questions of “what’s next”, “what’s going on”, “will it last” rushing through your head, you are able to fully enjoy the moment. And it’s magical!

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That was fast!

Seems like the E. chapter is coming to an end. That was a short one. Oh well. I try my best to not get discouraged, but it seems harder with every other chapter.

I’m so glad I blocked JD though.

Few fun days in a row

Thursday night I went out for dinner with my girlfriend. We ended up going to a tavern to listen to a band that she likes. Told E. about our plans and asked if he’d like to join us (since he’s a big music nerd). He came and we stayed at the place until midnight, the band was really good!

Friday night he invited me to this backyard birthday party at his neighbour’s. Very redneck – with beers, a bonfire of pallets and all that. It was fun, although short – rain picked up and we had to flee.

We spent Saturday night at this fancy charitable dinner event – where there was great food, I got to dress up and dance my legs off. Turns out E. is a good dancer. We went to an after party with some of his colleagues afterwards – didn’t turn in until three in the morning. Next day I took him to his car that we left at the dinner venue and went on to work at the plant for five hours. There was a somewhat awkward episode where I invited him to my place to wait for me to grab my uniforms, leaving him alone with my mom, but I think it went well.

Also, he was so cute on Sunday morning – suggesting I may want to eat before we leave, I was so distracted that I forgot all about food.

It may be the sleep deprivation. Or I just need to vent. But right now I am really mad. Mad at myself but also at JD.

I repeatedly told him to stay out of my head. But he wouldn’t. He’d say it was hard for a shrink to do. That he only promised to try, and not not do it.

Now I realize how disrespectful it was towards me. Maybe he meant well, maybe he didn’t know better or couldn’t help himself, or whatever it was. This still doesn’t negate the fact that it was totally disrespectful.

I’ve been learning about boundaries in the last 3 years. And I haven’t been a saint myself with others’ boundaries either. But the more I improve on this, the more I realize importance of both protecting your own boundaries and respecting those of other people.

Another thing is, even if you’re a professional in something, you shouldn’t be using your toolkit unless asked for it. Otherwise it’s an intrusion. Imagine a carpenter coming by your house and starting fixing shit without you having called them! Imagine if a gynecologist did that!

So JD wasn’t just fucking my body, he was also fucking with my brain. I’m pretty sure everyone is entitled to whatever mindset they come up with, no matter how wrong they are from the standpoint of clinical psychiatry.

I’m strongly opposed to putting tags or accusations on people like emotional abuser or whatnot. I don’t feel like I was victimized in any way shape or form. I’m just mad and somewhat sad that I didn’t see it earlier and that I didn’t push back hard enough.

PS for this post I’ve been testing the voice to text function on my phone and it’s quite amazing! I think I may start blogging more! Beware and unsubscribe until it’s too late!

A new chapter

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

I’ve started seeing this new guy few weeks ago. He messaged me on Match saying that his subscription was running out shortly, so he gave me his number and some details about himself and suggested I messaged him if I was interested.

Let’s call him E. We’ve messaged some, I was still stuck in the JD closure thing, so I wasn’t that excited.

We went rock climbing one Friday night and continued with beers at a cozy place in town.

Turned out he was more attractive than in good profile pictures, and a nice conversation partner, although somewhat shy.

We went for another date shortly after, which I so totally can’t remember, lol.

We were supposed to meet on a Wednesday after a child free weekend for both of us, it was his son’s birthday, so he asked if I was okay to meet around 7:30. When he messaged me the day of the date asking if 8 would be okay, I said it was a tad late and wished him to have a great time with his boy and family. No hard feelings (the latter wasn’t said, of course).

Next date was at Moxie’s, one of my favourites, this time we kissed at parting, and it wasn’t a great kiss at all.

I still decided to give him another try and went over to his place for dinner. He doesn’t cook much, so the full blown dinner was a lot of effort on his part. He made a full recovery later that night, kissing and other.

The following day (yesterday) we went to a batting practice and roller skating afterwards, followed by drinks at a restaurant, I didn’t get home until just before two in the morning.