It may be the sleep deprivation. Or I just need to vent. But right now I am really mad. Mad at myself but also at JD.

I repeatedly told him to stay out of my head. But he wouldn’t. He’d say it was hard for a shrink to do. That he only promised to try, and not not do it.

Now I realize how disrespectful it was towards me. Maybe he meant well, maybe he didn’t know better or couldn’t help himself, or whatever it was. This still doesn’t negate the fact that it was totally disrespectful.

I’ve been learning about boundaries in the last 3 years. And I haven’t been a saint myself with others’ boundaries either. But the more I improve on this, the more I realize importance of both protecting your own boundaries and respecting those of other people.

Another thing is, even if you’re a professional in something, you shouldn’t be using your toolkit unless asked for it. Otherwise it’s an intrusion. Imagine a carpenter coming by your house and starting fixing shit without you having called them! Imagine if a gynecologist did that!

So JD wasn’t just fucking my body, he was also fucking with my brain. I’m pretty sure everyone is entitled to whatever mindset they come up with, no matter how wrong they are from the standpoint of clinical psychiatry.

I’m strongly opposed to putting tags or accusations on people like emotional abuser or whatnot. I don’t feel like I was victimized in any way shape or form. I’m just mad and somewhat sad that I didn’t see it earlier and that I didn’t push back hard enough.

PS for this post I’ve been testing the voice to text function on my phone and it’s quite amazing! I think I may start blogging more! Beware and unsubscribe until it’s too late!

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A new chapter

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

I’ve started seeing this new guy few weeks ago. He messaged me on Match saying that his subscription was running out shortly, so he gave me his number and some details about himself and suggested I messaged him if I was interested.

Let’s call him E. We’ve messaged some, I was still stuck in the JD closure thing, so I wasn’t that excited.

We went rock climbing one Friday night and continued with beers at a cozy place in town.

Turned out he was more attractive than in good profile pictures, and a nice conversation partner, although somewhat shy.

We went for another date shortly after, which I so totally can’t remember, lol.

We were supposed to meet on a Wednesday after a child free weekend for both of us, it was his son’s birthday, so he asked if I was okay to meet around 7:30. When he messaged me the day of the date asking if 8 would be okay, I said it was a tad late and wished him to have a great time with his boy and family. No hard feelings (the latter wasn’t said, of course).

Next date was at Moxie’s, one of my favourites, this time we kissed at parting, and it wasn’t a great kiss at all.

I still decided to give him another try and went over to his place for dinner. He doesn’t cook much, so the full blown dinner was a lot of effort on his part. He made a full recovery later that night, kissing and other.

The following day (yesterday) we went to a batting practice and roller skating afterwards, followed by drinks at a restaurant, I didn’t get home until just before two in the morning.

Echoes of feelings passed

They say time heals – very true! The more of it goes by, the less I catch myself at thoughts of: “I should share this one with him, he’ll appreciate” or “He’d totally know the answer to this tricky question on Jeopardy” and so on. It’s like the person (or rather their projection in my mind) is gradually washing out of my system. My pulse stays at its regular rate when my memory stumbles over another reminder, and it doesn’t get as many associations anymore either. Archiving process is under way. Took it some time to trigger in earnest, but now it’s on.

Defense mechanism

I just ditched a guy after two dates. The real reason – boring AF. Can’t say that tho, no need to hurt his feelings.

So instead I said that I didn’t believe this could develop any further, so it wasn’t fair to go on.

His response – he didn’t feel romantic attraction either. I’ve been on the scene long enough to tell if a guy is attracted to me or not. Also, his actions – constant texting, leaving Match, expressing excitement about upcoming date – tell me otherwise. So it’s really funny to observe one’s defense mechanism in action.

Update

I’ve abandoned this blog, or so it seems.

JD and I have been on another round from around Valentine’s day. It doesn’t seem to be going well at all, now I really doubt this thing can succeed at all.

I’m not calling it a relationship on purpose, since couple dates and as many booty calls don’t make up for one. Three years of dating have taught me one thing for sure – a clear view of what’s going on prevents me from hurting.

Realising that the guy isn’t that into you doesn’t provide for a warm and fuzzy feeling for sure, yet it allows for developing a more calculated approach to the situation as well as takes care of unpleasant surprises that are bound to occur when reality and illusions clash.