I’ve always boasted that I have the precious ability to see the big picture. To raise myself above the situation and see where it belongs on the bigger scale of events.
Guess what? The joke’s on me! With dating I got so obsessed with how, that I totally lost sight of why, what for. My shrink asked me some time ago what I needed a relationship for. I’ve been coming up with multiple answers, listing my needs that only a romantic relationship could satisfy, things a guy had to have to be a good match etc.
But I never looked at it as a big picture question before. As in: what happens if I’m not in a relationship? And the honest answer is – I have no idea! I haven’t been single for fifteen years. And before that I was either “in love” or whatnot. I’ve never EVER been single.
So here I am, learning how to be single at thirty five. Better late than never I guess. One of the problems it’s that I don’t know anyone who’s single and happily so. The closest to this is a girlfriend who never had much luck with guys, but it’s not due to lack of trying.
My mom’s been single ever since my dad passed away, but it’s different. She’s been a highly self sufficient person all her life. I’m a social animal.
Having said that, I know that I have to try out the singlehood. We all fear the unknown. I have to open this can of worms and yet again discover that it’s not that scary. Like anything else in life it’s got to have its advantages. Currently I only know what I won’t have. So to break the unlucky cycle of dating failures, I’ll try out singlehood. Might learn to appreciate my own achievements more and/or quit idealising guys in the process… Who knows!
In a minute of weakness I messaged you last Monday saying I missed you. I immediately regretted it, but oh well.
A week later you message me back, asking if I were okay, apologising for not answering earlier, saying you didn’t want to make it worse for me.
I’m definitely not replying to this pity text. I dropped my self-respect back then, I’ll admit. But it was a fleeing moment, no more. Too many things reminded me of you that weekend and things weren’t going well elsewhere.
I’m good. Not happy, but content. I’m still getting over the breakup, I won’t lie. But as time goes by, I realise how strong and self sufficient I’ve become. I met someone really great for me, but when it was over, I didn’t break down, there was no feeling of huge hurt or deprivation. Just sadness and disappointment.
Another thing I’m discovering is that I was always in a rush, measuring time in hours or minutes, never weeks or even days. I’m not anymore. If my personal life doesn’t pick up in the next few weeks or even months, it’s all good. I have other things to keep me occupied.
Fuck buddies. Hmm. So far so good. Quite curious in fact. Odd but not awkward. Some excitement too. From novelty and simplicity.
Between a cold, first week of school for the kids and crazy workload I feel like I am crumbling. The fact that both JD and JM are gone for good (or so it seems) doesn’t help my spirits either.
I’ve gone out for a first day with someone who knew JD last Sunday. Didn’t go that well.
I am now on a break from dating. Not sure for how long. In this state I am no sport at all. Tuning in onto the wave of a new person takes effort. I don’t have energy for that. So it’s not worth trying.
I feel weird. I can feel that somewhere deep inside I’m still getting over the JD thing. But it doesn’t come out on the surface at all. I rarely think about the guy, I never try to replay anything from the past – ever since I’ve put together a recollection of what went on the way I now see it right after the breakup, I don’t open that door. But the door Is there. So is the place behind it, where I used to be happy that is now soaking in sadness.
There was a short un-breakup between JD and I that only lasted for two days. My birthday brought it on. Come Sunday I texted him that continuing with what we had started wasn’t healthy for me.
It’s a rather long story. But in short, I could tell what he meant when he said something was missing. It was emotional attachment on his side. Call it love, or fancy or whatnot… But it’s gone.
Sexual appeal and fondness with my smarts and sense of humour are all still there, but the emotional part has extinguished. If it’s gone for good or will rekindle, I don’t know. But this chapter is over for now for sure.
The date last Thursday went alright. He’s been more on the asking side, I’ve found a number of similarities with G. Definitely a G.2.
Unlike the first time, not only do I see his moves, but also what he’s trying to accomplish. Also see through all his BS.
All in all, he’s a good distraction, fun and smart, no more. He asked me out again. And since he’s a good kisser, I’m going. Also bought me a coffee today, called first and asked me about my preference too.
We agreed to go for a drink on Thursday. JM said that Thursday worked for him too, but a. if I wait for the guy, I’ll die without much action and b. I can squeeze both in one evening. I’m a master planner!
I decided to write down the whole thing – in case I am writing memoirs when I am old and surrounded by multiple grandkids – I also thought it went funny. Tragicomedy.
(He wakes up at eight and tells me he fell asleep on the couch)
– Can I come over?
– Come over? I didn’t realise we were meeting at my place. But sure.
– I want to talk about something.
Upon arrival – he comes in, sits down at the kitchen table:
– I think I don’t want to date you anymore.
– Something is missing. I don’t want to lead you on any further. It’s unfair.
– Which is a bummer, we had a lot of fun together.
– Yes, we did.
– I have some of your stuff in the car. I’ll bring it over.
– Sure. Oh, can I get the name of your cologne?
– PAUSES. LOOKS PUZZLED. Um – my perfume?
– Yes. Yves Saint Laurent something…
– LOOKS EVEN MORE PUZZLED. STARTS LOOKING AROUND FOR A PEN. Sure. I can write it down… Or I will text it to you!
– OK. Do I owe you anything? Like any of your stuff?
Hugs me after he brings the stuff from his car. Presses his face against my neck – I push away, we say goodbye. He messages me on Monday (August 7th) – link to his perfume and apologises for not sending it earlier. I thank him. He says I am welcome.
While JM is still stuck in his bubble, I am going on a date or should I say for drinks with my smoking busy tomorrow night.
It’s a new experience for me, getting a guy from a back burner. 🙂 We’ll see how it goes.